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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29999232">unanswered 1:43am</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wngpxppy/pseuds/wngpxppy'>wngpxppy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Decisions, Bang Chan Being an Idiot, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Phone Calls, Please be aware, Self-Doubt, Unrequited Love, it turns a little dark, the other members are only appearing for a second, they are just oblivious</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:34:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,393</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29999232</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wngpxppy/pseuds/wngpxppy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hey this is Bang Chan and if you hear this, I’m not able to answer right now. Leave a message.” </p><p>Felix and Chan are oceans apart and the only thing that still keeps Felix sane is to hear Chan's voice, even if it is the same sentence each and every day.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Lee Felix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>66</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>unanswered 1:43am</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix was not going to lie, from the moment he got the acceptance letter to the day he moved all his stuff into his new dorm room, he thought his life was going to be good from now on, that he was going to be happy but that was far from reality.Being completely honest, Felix had actually never felt worse. But it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Getting into his dream college wasn’t supposed to be like this, his happiness wasn't supposed to look like this. Felix was lonely. </p><p>His family was miles away and all of his friends were everywhere but near him. For some reason he even had a hard time approaching people here, feeling too insecure and too much of an outcast. Everyone he met was either too bubbly or not bubbly enough. Whenever he saw people and was about to approach them, his mind came up with yet another reason why he shouldn’t, why it was better to stay back. He felt isolated from everything around him. He noticed everything and everyone around him, noticed the laughing people on his campus and noticed how easy it was for others to find acquaintances. He took notice of the world around him but that same world didn’t seem to care one bit about him, leaving him in black and white.He felt like an unfinished painting, started with the thought that it was going to be a masterpiece but instead, it was given up on, he was given up on by no other than himself. And he couldn’t even do anything, couldn’t fight it, couldn’t make it stop. Because soon enough, happiness became something foreign to him, something he hasn’t known in a while, something he was far away from.</p><p>With every passing day, he got himself out of his bed and into dozens of classes with professors that kept on talking while he kept on pretending to listen and he even tried to, he really did but as soon as the lecture was over, he suddenly couldn’t remember anything anymore. It was all gone and the notes he took didn’t make any sense to him anymore, everything was just a huge mess. Once he returned to his room it didn’t get easier because every time he turned the key around, he was reminded of how the plain white walls just made him feel even more suffocated. Felix didn’t have a roommate, the lady who showed him to his room all this time ago told him they had an uneven number of students this year which is why he ended up getting a room all to himself. Others would consider it paradise, Felix thought it was a curse, having to stare at the empty bed on the other side of the room whenever he tried to sleep at night, wondering where his life had started to go wrong.It was fine when he first got here, he was excited, happy and full of joy. He couldn’t wait to settle into his new home for the next few years and experience a whole new part of his life, little did he know that this part was not going to be as happy as the last, this part was at a great distance from any joy he has ever felt.  This part of his life was forlorn.</p><p>Don’t get him wrong, it wasn’t all curse and zero luck. But over time, he started to find happiness in different things, much smaller things. Normally one would consider a meetup with a friend a happy event, a family dinner or maybe a date. For Felix, he had none of those and he wasn’t even sure if they could really make him as happy as they did before. Right now, Felix found his happiness in the little things. He wasn’t smiling anymore, at least not genuinely but whenever there was still a pack of his favorite instant ramen left at the store, he felt a small bit of joy. Whenever the people next to his room stayed up longer than usual and had really long loud conversations, he felt less lonely, even if they weren’t with him, he felt like, for only a moment, he wasn’t completely alone in the world. He felt his fingertips dancing whenever one of his teachers was sick or an assignment got cancelled. It wasn’t often and it definitely wasn’t a lot but Felix was fine with the small things. He never really did well on his assignments but he was somewhat proud of himself when he at least managed to finish them. But even then, his happiness, or whatever he considered to be his happiness, only lasted for the blink of an eye and when he opened his eyes again, it was all gone and he was thrown back into a world he couldn’t escape. </p><p>In times like this, on all of his sleepless nights and exhausting days, Felix often thought about someone. Someone who would normally be there for him in situations like this, giving him a hug and whispering comforting words to him. Someone who promised him he would always be there, he would always listen to everything that was on Felix’ mind. Someone who told him he would never leave him behind, no matter what. </p><p>Felix found himself thinking of that someone again one night, he had been trying his best to fall asleep for three hours now, trying all kinds of methods but somehow, nothing seemed to work and he knew this was definitely not going to benefit him in the test he was supposed to take in less than four hours. He felt helpless, the tears on the edge of streaming down his cheeks but he tried his best to hold them back, not wanting to spend yet another night crying himself into sleep. </p><p>Felix thought of Chan that night.</p><p>He knew about the promises they made, he didn’t forget it but for some reason, Felix hadn’t tried calling the older at least once since he was here. He texted him a few times, nothing more or less than a quick “I landed” - “Sydney is just as I remember, wish you could be here too”. Chan answered just as short and at first, he wasn’t sad about that. He understood it. He knew Chan had to do a lot himself, he was busy too, studying back in Seoul with a few of his other friends right now. Felix didn’t want to worry him, annoy him with his stupid problems and basically tell the older how his life went downhill ever since they said goodbye at the airport, the last time Felix had felt a loved ones touch. Felix still remembered how Chan held him that morning, he didn’t recall ever being hugged that tight and with so much love. </p><p>The boy didn’t want to seem desperate, only calling someone because of how lonely he felt, because of how miserable he was. He felt like that would make him seem like someone out of a bad movie, where only love and friendship is able to fix your problems. But Felix knew better than that. He knew that Chan wasn’t going to make all of his problems fade away within an instant. These were his problems and he couldn’t expect somebody else to fix them for him, to heal for him. Yet, Felix’s mind wouldn’t stop going back to his friend. </p><p>Sometimes Felix could still feel the touch of Chan’s hands lingering on his waist, he could feel the way he threw himself at the older one last time before he was called to board the plane, his arms around Chan's neck, never wanting to let go as tears were streaming down his cheeks.  </p><p>He missed Chan. </p><p>The displaylight of his phone kept blinding him as he stared at his friends' contact. His fingers going back and forth between nearly pressing the button. He didn’t want Chan to see him like this, didn’t want him to know how miserable he was. Felix didn’t want the older to worry but he needed someone, he had been needing someone for a while now. So, Felix pressed the button, holding the phone closer to his ear as he sat up with trembling hands. He sat there and waited, listening to the sound against his ear and he continued to wait until-</p><p> </p><p>“Hey this is Bang Chan and if you hear this, I’m not able to answer right now. Leave a message.” </p><p> </p><p>He hadn’t heard Chan's voice in weeks and somehow, when he got to hear it again, even if it was just a simple message like that, he felt his heart throb. The way he said those things just sounded so enthusiastic, so kind , so...like Chan. His voice still sounded just as soft as Felix remembered, Chan’s voice was a sound Felix would never forget, no matter how long he hadn’t heard it. For a second, he hesitated, opening his mouth to say something but soon enough closing it again. What should he have said? He was only calling Chan to rant about his problems, he was not even calling Chan to ask him about how <em> his </em> life was going, how his studies were and about how things were back in Korea. No, Felix had only tried to call the older because he was selfish, too tangled up with his own problems that he didn’t even think about asking how other people were doing. He was a horrible person. Quickly, he shut his phone off, putting it back on his nightstand and laying down once more. Chan was busy. He shouldn’t even have tried to call him.</p><p>However, the next day after returning from his last lecture, Felix found himself staring at his phone again. Needless to say, his test went absolutely horrible, he couldn’t remember a single thing even if he had been studying hard for it. In the class after that, he felt tears coming out of his eyes and he himself didn’t even understand where they came from all of a sudden. Just like the ones before, this day too had been going horribly wrong again. Felix was back in the quiet of his room, taking a quick look around before getting his phone out of his pocket, typing in Chans name into the search bar without even thinking twice about it. He let his head fall back onto his pillow as started the call, still nervous about what he was going to do, what he was going to say once the older would pick up but he felt like it was a bit better today, there was a little more hope of the older picking up. It was early in Korea, maybe Chan was on his lunch break right now, the chances were higher today. </p><p>But still, his hope crashed as he heard the same sentence again, that had also greeted him not too long ago.</p><p>“Hey this is Bang Chan and if you hear this, I’m not able to answer right now. Leave a message.”</p><p>His phone fell to his side as the boy looked up at the ceiling, telling himself over and over again that Chan was probably busy, probably having class right now. He would call back, Felix was sure he would. He and Chan made a promise after all. </p><p>The day went on without anything special happening, the most interesting part of his entire day was probably the dog he petted on his way to buy another pack of instant ramen. He tried to focus on the assignments he had forgotten about but as soon as he looked at the questions in front of him, his mind went blank. He couldn’t concentrate and his phone beside him made it worse. Felix tried his best to hold himself back from checking it every second and every time he came back from the bathroom, he was hopeful that he had missed a call but that was never the case. There was absolutely nothing, no call. no text, nothing that could indicate that Chan was there. </p><p>Laying in his bed that night, Felix felt pathetic. He felt like he was depending on the older as he, once again, stared at the contact name in front of his eyes. It was only 12 in Korea and knowing Chan, the older was far from asleep. There was no way Chan would be busy right now, no way he wasn’t on his phone. Back in Korea, Felix slept over at Chans enough times to know his routine. His friend always stayed up until very late at night, trying to work on his music because he claimed that in those unholy hours he was the most creative. In such moments, Felix was just trying to sleep as the older proceeded to write down lyrics and hummed quietly. Needless to say, Felix never got much sleep because he somehow always found himself looking at Chans back as the man was working in front of him. Felix knew Chan always had his phone close to him at these hours, which is why he had more hope this time. </p><p>Felix sat up, his back leaning against the wall as he held his phone close, breath hitching with every time it ringed. Then it stopped. And yes, Felix could hit himself for thinking that this indicated the older one had finally picked up because as soon as he was hopeful, it all teared down again. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey this is Bang Chan and if you hear this, I’m not able to answer right now. Leave a message.”</p><p>Felix threw his phone on the pillow next to him, hugging his legs as the tears started to run uncontrollably. He was almost scared that his sobs were too loud, scared that he would wake the ones in the room beside him because he knew the walls weren’t the thickest and the last thing he wanted was for someone to remember him as the kid that couldn’t stop crying in his room at 2am. Thus, he buried his face in his legs, trying to suppress the awful sounds leaving his mouth. In all this mess, he found his hands reaching for his phone again. He knew the older wasn’t going to pick up, he knew it was hopeless but he just needed to talk to someone, he needed the other to know that he missed him. </p><p>So when the voice returned, he didn’t immediately shut his phone off, instead, he waited for the sound that gave him the chance to speak, even if it was unanswered. While speaking, Felix tried his best to control his voice, trying his best to not make it sound like he just had a complete breakdown. </p><p> </p><p>“Channie.</p><p>This is pretty sudden, isn’t it? We haven’t talked in a while-” Felix forced a slight chuckle as the words ran from his lips, guilt started to build up inside of him. It was his fault that they haven’t talked, he should have reached out sooner, he should have called the older one as soon as he arrived or as soon as college started. Felix should have cared sooner and not only when he was at his worst. Pathetic. </p><p>“uhm..I hope you are well.<em> ” no he didn’t, he couldn’t care less, </em> at least that was what his mind told him, the voice inside of him repeating the word “selfish” over and over again, it made Felix head hurt. “It is okay that you aren’t answering, I’m sure you are busy and well, it is late already. Don’t worry about me by the way, I’m going to sleep soon, I just got carried away while doing homework...”</p><p><em> Lies, lies, lies. </em> What was he even saying? Besides, why did he even feel the need to say this, he doubted Chan would worry about him, he had better things to do. Felix winced at his own thoughts, wondering when his mind had turned against him. “uhm..Basically, I was just calling because I wanted to say that…” He stopped there, suddenly feeling smaller than he had ever been before. He felt pathetic, sitting on his bed, trying his best not to cry while talking to his friend’s mailbox at 2am. </p><p>“I miss you Channie.”</p><p>That was it. That was the end. He placed his phone down, laying himself under the blankets again, he didn’t even try to hold the tears back now, just crying silently in his blanket while his mind was busy thinking of someone who wasn’t answering him. </p><p>It may be true that Chan and him were nothing more than friends but Felix would be stupid to deny his feelings for the older. He didn’t know when exactly it all started, maybe it was the moment Chan first really smiled at him or the day the two of them went to the convenience store at 3 in the morning just because Felix had been craving ice cream. After that day, ice cream at unholy times became something like their thing, always hitting the other up whenever things weren’t going as smoothly as they should and especially in such times, they would always be there for each other. Ice cream at 3am became their way of saying “please come and get me, i can’t be alone right now.”</p><p>Their other friends often teased them about how close they were, how they would always act like they were stupidly in love with each other and that was true, at least for Felix’s part. He had never thought if Chan could be in love with him too, that would be absurd. In Felix's eyes, there wasn’t anything about him that made him stand out, that made someone able to love him in ways he could never love himself. The younger actually learned that it was okay after a while, loving but not being loved back. It was fine because as long as he got to see Chan smile, he was okay.  </p><p>Except, he wasn’t okay, not now, not anymore because now, he was oceans apart from the one he loved, from everyone he loved. He was far from okay and to know that only made him feel worse. </p><p>When he looked into the mirror the next morning he felt pitiful. The dark circles under his eyes and the way he could feel the dried tears itching on his skin, he was pitiful. He hadn’t eaten a real meal in weeks, only ever making himself instant ramen or other food from a can. As he looked himself up and down, taking in every part of his body, he felt disgusted by his own reflection, the way his hair looked like a mess and his clothes were slightly dirty, there was no sign of happiness on his face and he even hated his freckles more than he ever did before. Because Chan would always compliment them, telling him how they looked like the boy was kissed by the sun itself, indicating his happy and joyful self. Happy and joyful, Felix hadn’t felt like any of these ever since he got here. He barely smiled anymore and if he did, it was forced because after all, he couldn’t care less if he wasn’t talking to anyone but if he got in situations where he was compelled to speak, he didn’t want to seem unfriendly.</p><p>He wore a cap to hide his hair and an oversized sweater to prevent possible comments on his body that day. If he had make up, he would have probably covered up his freckles, alongside with the bags under his eyes but he was never a big fan of makeup, or at least not a big enough fan to buy himself some products. Back in Seoul, Jisung, one of his closest friends, had loved to put makeup on Felix's face, he used to tell him how he looked even more like a fairy that way. Jisung. He also hadn’t called him ever since he got here and he regretted it, the boy always made him laugh, no matter what he did. Felix missed that, he missed having a reason to laugh. </p><p>It wasn’t as late as the previous night when he couldn’t help but hold his phone close, staring at the name on his display. It wasn’t even midnight yet and Felix was still up, sitting at his desk as he tried to finish this one assignment that was due to tomorrow. However, he had given up on it an hour ago already, just staring at it ever since then and wondering what to do next. He wondered if Chan had heard his voice message, if he chose to ignore Felix. Maybe it was some kind of revenge because Felix hadn’t reached out sooner, maybe he was teasing him or maybe, he just didn’t care. He hated to think that way about someone like Chan but at the end of the day, it wouldn’t be the other’s fault, it would have been because of Felix. Chan wasn’t an ignorant and mean person, it wasn’t because of that that he didn’t answer him. Maybe it was just because Felix was Felix and who wouldn’t get tired of that? He couldn’t even blame Chan if the older was ignoring him because all this time, his mind made him believe that he was nothing more than just an annoying good-for-nothing. Felix hated being annoying, he hated the feeling that he could possibly get on someone’s nerves by what he was saying, by what he was doing. So somewhere along the way, he started to cave, started to believe what his mind was telling him.</p><p>Regardless, he still found himself calling the older again and waiting for him to pick up but just like the times before, Chan wouldn’t answer.</p><p>“Hey this is Bang Chan and if you hear this, I’m not able to answer right now. Leave a message.”</p><p>Felix sighed. If that was the only way he could be able to speak to Chan, then that was fine. He was fine with talking to the older’s mailbox, even if he didn’t receive an answer back. He just felt the urge to talk to someone again, someone who he knew and was familiar with, someone who he loved. </p><p>“Channie, it’s me again. I’m starting to get worried, you know? You never pick up your phone, are you alright? I hope you are, please take care and remember to eat your meals, yeah? Ah...What am I even saying, I cannot tell you what to do and I’m not even in any position to worry about you, you can do what you want and if you don’t answer, I should accept that. I’m sorry Channie, I just miss you. Sydney may be beautiful but it is lonely without you..honestly, every place on earth is lonely if you aren’t with me. I’ll leave you alone now, have a nice sleep and..see you soon maybe.” </p><p>Felix placed his phone down, eyes lingering on the black screen for a while longer until he was lost inside his mind again and so, the night went on, the silence around him singing him the most horrid lullaby. There goes another sleepless night, another night without an answer, another lonely night where he had no one but himself. </p><p>The days continued just like that, every day was the same for him. He went to his classes, tried to listen and once he was back in his room, he was left with asking himself what his teachers were talking about. In times like this, he always wished he had taken the chance to get to know at least one of the people in his courses, so that maybe he had someone to ask for help but he already knew that they would probably get annoyed by him pretty soon, always forgetful and never seeming to pay attention. He would just be a burden to anyone he would have tried talking to. However, there once was a moment a few days ago where someone came up to him, a young man just around his age who had asked him if he would like to get this coffee coupon he had gotten, claiming that it was his last day in the city and he didn’t want the coupon to go to waste. Felix had chatted with him for a bit, clearly it wasn’t much but it was more cheerful and more bubbly than any other conversation he had in a long while. He had happily accepted the coupon and as he got himself an iced coffee that late afternoon, he considered this day a good one. It was a first. </p><p>As the days passed, he continued to call Chan every night and yet, there was never an answer from the older, leading Felix to leave countless messages on the man’s mailbox. In those messages, he never once mentioned how bad his situation really was, how he never caught any sleep and how he couldn’t concentrate at all throughout the whole day. Felix didn’t tell Chan about all the thoughts in his head and how horrifying they were, all the things his mind tried to tell him, the things his mind tried to make him do. Felix wasn’t going to worry Chan, he didn’t want to be any more annoying than he already was and so, Felix lied, telling Chan every night that he was doing fine when really he had never been further away from fine. He lied to Chan, each and every night even if he had actually no reason to, even if he could just not talk to him at all, even if Chan was good enough of a friend to share these kinds of things with, instead, Felix chose to lie.</p><p>Until one day, he couldn’t hold it anymore. </p><p>It was a Sunday afternoon and up until now, he hadn’t left his bed at all aside from going to the rest room or eating a quick snack five hours ago. He didn’t know what exactly led him to feel this way but ever since he woke up, Felix had been feeling miserable. The days before that were fairly alright he would say, they were, what he considered, somewhat okay, good even. He had managed to score 50% on his recent test and even if that wasn’t a lot to some, it was the highest score he had gotten ever since he got here. He even managed to complete all of his tasks that week, feeling more motivated than ever. He knew that saying things were getting better was probably a bit too fast forward, a bit too rushed but last week he really felt like maybe he indeed was able to heal by himself, not needing the help of someone else. His messages to Chan were honest these days, he told the older about all the good things and as he ended the calls, he felt his lips slightly moving towards a smile. Withal, today it all seemed to have come to an end. </p><p>His whole body was aching even if he just moved the smallest bit and he couldn’t get himself to get up if it wasn’t necessary. He felt like he was caged to his bed, someone holding him down whenever he wanted to leave and thus making it impossible for him to have a good day. His mood dropped even more when he heard people laughing outside, people who were having fun and actually doing something with their lives, meanwhile he was here, laying in his bed, the blinds were still down and the room was almost pitch dark. He was completely alone, surrounded by silence and a room that should feel safe but really, it doesn’t. He had never felt safe here, ever since he got here he had been irritated by the way the walls looked so plain and the door creaked every time he opened and closed it. The many shadows in his room once it turned dark outside scared him, they made him fear for something that he knew wasn’t there but still, he had never felt so unsafe. Turning around in his bed and staring from one plain wall to the other, Felix picked up his phone from his nightstand and with a few clicks, he held it close to his ear while rolling back into a more comfortable position, now looking up at his bedroom ceiling as he waited for the all too well known sentence to ring through his ears.  </p><p>“Hey this is Bang Chan and if you hear this, I’m not able to answer right now. Leave a message.”</p><p>Normally Felix would just lie again, like he did the past few days but somehow, he wasn’t in the mood to lie. He wasn’t in the mood to tell somehow he was alright when clearly, he wasn’t. So, he didn’t care at all about the things that were about to leave his mouth, he just started.</p><p>“Channie hey...I’m sorry for the last few days, I’m sorry for always coming to you when I have nowhere else to go and even if you don’t pick up, I still continue. I’m also sorry for what I said in my messages the past few days because in all honesty, I’m not alright. I haven’t been alright for a while and I just...I wanna go back home, I wanna go back home to you. This once was my home when I grew up here, when I knew nothing else but Australia but now, being back, I have never felt so foreign. I’m not even doing well in school anymore, do you know how many exams I failed ever since I’m here? It’s pathetic really. I wish it wasn't like this but change is scary, you know? Besides, where would I even start? There is so much going wrong right now, where would change even begin? Ah I’m just ranting at this point, I’m sorry I keep taking up all the space of your mailbox. Have a good night Channie, take care.” </p><p>Felix sighed as he placed his phone down, instant regret hitting him and for the rest of the night, he couldn’t stop but think about everything he said and the way it sounded so deplorable. </p><p>The next day, Felix didn’t call Chan at all, too scared that he would just rant again without his sentences making any sense. His whole day was filled with regret about the message he left yesterday. From the moment he got out of bed to attend his lectures to the point he was back in his room, his own words wouldn’t stop ringing through his ears, making his head hurt even more than it already did. He didn’t even charge his phone when it died after his last class, not wanting to accidentally find himself looking at Chan’s contact once again. It was better this way. It should stay like this, Felix thoughts in his own head and not anywhere near the one he loved. Chan was just going to hate him as soon as he found out how Felix behaved right now. Some nights he wondered if Chan would just walk away if he would see him like this, so destroyed and broken, nothing more than an utter mess. Who would ever like him like this? </p><p>He spent that night going through his phone gallery, looking at all the pictures of himself where he looked happy, where he smiled. Now, he doesn’t even really remember what happiness ever felt like. His fingers immediately stopped as soon as he reached pictures of Chan on his phone. He had always loved the older’s smile, the way his dimples showed whenever he was incredibly happy about something. Chan often smiled when he was around Felix, it made the younger feel loved. </p><p>Loved. Receiving love and care. It has been months since he last felt loved by someone, anyone really. It was his fault though because how could he expect anyone to reach out to him when he wasn’t reaching out either? His parents were probably not calling because they wanted to give him space and room to concentrate on his studies. Felix was glad that they weren’t calling, he didn’t want them to worry, he wanted them to continue thinking he was living a good life here. That day, Felix managed to catch a little sleep, eyes closing to a video of Chan singing to him. Felix loved everything about Chan and right now, the older was what he yearned for the most. </p><p>He knew he couldn’t hold back from reaching out. Even if it was the same sentence each and every day, the same stupid disappointing sentence over and over again, Felix couldn’t help it. Talking to Chan and ranting about his life problems somehow became an addiction, it felt like the only thing he had left of his sanity. So he decided to continue, the unanswered late night calls slowly became a routine in his life. </p><p> </p><p><em> August 12, 00:04am : </em> “You know...I often find myself missing you, everything about you and it’s crazy because there is no one I miss the way I miss you, not even my family. I wish things were different, I wish I had known what life would look like once I was here. I miss you Channie.” </p><p><em> August 17, 11:47pm : </em>“Today I found a cookie recipe between my things, I’m surprised I only found it now. Do you remember? I wrote this down and gave you a copy because you would always force me to bake for you, so one day I decided that you could bake for yourself. I miss baking now, I haven’t baked ever since I’m here and especially not for anyone else. I know I always hated the constant questions but right now...I wish I could bake cookies for you.”</p><p><em> August 20, 04:08am : </em> “Hey, I got a few exams back and well, they weren’t good, they weren’t good at all. I’m kind of disappointed in myself and I’m sure you would be too when you could see them. I’m going to try harder next time, I’m going to do better for you Channie. I want to come back home and have you say how proud you are of me.”</p><p><em> August 23, 3:41am : </em> “Channie, I wish you were here with me. I wish you would save me from myself.”</p><p> </p><p>Saturday night. 2:29am. Felix got out of his bed, into his shoes and grabbed his wallet on the way to the door. He was going to get ice cream. As he roamed through the gas station, looking at the different flavors of ice cream in the freezers in front of him, it all felt like deja vu. In front of his eyes images started flashing, images of Chan smiling and laughing, gifting him the most comforting smile he had ever seen. He grabbed ice cream for the both of them, going over to the register to pay. It should have been Felix who paid for it because it was due to Chan that they were here. The older called him up, asking to grab ice cream because he had been having yet another nightmare and once he woke up, everything around him felt even scarier than what he had just dreamed about.Felix had been there within minutes, standing in front of his friend and giving him a hug as they both made their way to the store in the middle of a winter night. It was freezing cold outside and the two of them were only in their pyjamas. Still, they decided to go for ice cream and while they were sitting inside the quiet gas station, busy eating, it had started to snow outside. The first snow of the year and Felix was with Chan that night, eating ice cream at 3am. </p><p>Now he was here, the cashier giving him an annoyed look as he didn’t seem to know what flavor to choose. It was far from winter, far from snow and Chan was nowhere near him but still, he felt alright that night. Eating ice cream all on his own while staring out of the window of the gas station, eyes fixated on the moon. Leastways, Chan and him would always be under the same sky, no matter how many oceans apart, it was always the exact same sky and that night, the sky seemed more dazzling than ever before. It was not a lot but exactly this, staring at the moon with a bit of ice cream in his hands at 3am, was Felix small but certain happiness and he would try his best to hold onto it for as long as the stars were dancing upon him. </p><p>He was outside when it happened. Despite being able to fall asleep, he still had only one hour of sleep that day. Maybe that also was a reason for his stupidity, he really needed to catch more sleep somehow. He didn’t know what urged him to make this decision but he felt like it might be better than just sitting in his room until he might be in the mood to take a nap. So, before he even knew it, he had been sitting outside on this warm day at the end of August, seating himself on one of the many tables. The area around him was filled with people just like him, fellow students deciding to enjoy the sun but there was a difference between him and all these other people because Felix was the only one sitting alone on a table. Everyone around him had someone to talk to, no matter if it was a friend or just a friendly stranger, everyone else had someone. He wished he wouldn’t let that ruin a day that was supposed to be good, he wished he wouldn’t have cared about it but he did. Felix did care. As soon as the realization hit him, he slowly packed his things up and made his way back to the comfort of his room. Yet, on the way back, his heart stopped for a split second. His eyes couldn’t leave the back of someone just a few meters away from him, this person just looked so familiar, so incredibly familiar that it made Felix's head ache. Without even realizing, he started to run as the person proceeded to move forward. </p><p>
  <em> That was him. He came all the way here for him. He was looking for him. He kept his promise. He- </em>
</p><p>Except, that wasn’t true and Felix had never felt more pathetic than when he stopped in front of the person, hope glistening in his eyes but as soon as the passerby, he had just stopped, turned around, Felix knew that he was nothing more than a complete idiot. He could see some kind of pitiful worry building up on the stranger’s face as Felix felt the tears streaming down from his eyes but before the man could say anything, Felix ran. He didn’t even know where he was going but he couldn’t care less, all he wanted was to be away from people, as far as possible so he continued to run until he was away from the campus area, away from all the people that saw him crying like a little child. He didn’t even want to cry, trying his best to hold it back but he couldn’t avoid how sensitive and over emotional he had gotten over the past few weeks. His friends were used to him being emotional and he didn’t think of it as a problem when he used to start tearing up at sad movies or other little things just like that, he thought it was normal and it probably was, he wasn’t the only one who cried, he knew that. Yet, in his head it wasn’t normal, it wasn’t okay, it wasn’t fine. In his head, everything he did was wrong. </p><p>He let himself fall against a tree, his bag laying beside him on the grass as he was busy trying to catch his breath. He didn’t care how loud his sobs and whimpers were, he just wanted a moment for himself, a moment to process what had just happened. Did he really think that Chan would be here? That he would have left in the middle of his school year only to look for Felix? Chan wasn’t going to come for him, he wasn’t going to look for him because Chan didn’t even take the time to answer all the stupid calls and messages Felix had left him. Chan didn’t care about him, not anymore because if he really did care, he would be here right now, he would answer, just like he had promised. There was a sudden anger inside of him and the next thing he knew, he was holding his phone, waiting for the same message to finally come. </p><p>“Hey this is Bang Chan and if you hear this, I’m not able to answer right now. Leave a message.”</p><p>And that day, he hated that voice, it was the ugliest sound he ever heard because now, the voice only reminded him of how miserable and lonely he truly was, having no on else but the stupid mailbox of someone who probably stopped caring about him a long time ago. Felix didn’t care the moment he heard the sound that indicated him that he was allowed to leave a message now. He didn’t care about his trembling voice, his fingers that wouldn’t stop shaking or the tears that still streamed down his cheeks. All he cared about was how much he hated Chan right now. </p><p>“Am I really that unlovable Channie? I mean, I must be, right? Because why else wouldn’t you answer? Why else would you let me leave all of these messages and never even show up, not once. It has been a month Chan and still, there is no text, nothing from you. Did I ever matter to you? Was I ever important? Or maybe I was just a burden, maybe every time you smiled at me it was fake and you never meant it, maybe you are happy that I am gone or maybe, you just found someone better, I don’t blame you if you did. I just...I want to know why. Why do you never answer, why do you never text, why did you hug me so tightly the day I left when really, I don’t seem to be of any importance to you?</p><p>Channie it is okay. Really it is fine if you don’t care but please, stop making stupid promises you failed to keep. Because, while this promise may only be a few simple words to you, I held on to it, I still do. I thought I saw you today, you know? I have never felt more stupid as I ran after a complete stranger, thinking that you were actually here, searching for me because you wouldn’t do that right? You wouldn’t.</p><p>You once said you will never leave me behind, then tell me Channie, why did you let me go? Why didn’t you tell me to stay because for you, I would have stayed.”</p><p> </p><p>Even if he was angry in the beginning, all his anger soon ended up turning into sadness and at some point, he couldn’t stop the loud sobs that left his lips as he continued speaking. Because in all honesty, he didn’t hate Chan, he didn’t hate him at all. Felix hated himself more likely. He hated himself for having fallen so deep that now, he spent his nights crying his eyes out on Chan’s mailbox. He hated himself for being too stubborn to go back home but too weak to get up and change something about his life here. He hated the way he looked and behaved, the way he wasn’t himself anymore. He hated everything there was to hate about himself and he couldn’t help but be angry with Chan because he was too scared of what would happen if he was getting angry at himself. He knew he needed help, now more than ever before but he was too scared to go and actually see someone who could help him. He felt too pathetic to reach out to someone, someone who would actually answer him and care about him. Instead, he started finding comfort in the same stupid sentence every single night, spoken by someone who was never there for him, who wouldn’t be there for him. He found comfort in the thought of Chan, the memories of him, of his laugh and his dimples. Felix found comfort in things that were no longer with him. </p><p>Chan once used to be a sensation to him. All the memories they shared were cherished and locked inside the younger’s heart. Now Chan was gone, Felix couldn’t reach for him. He lost the key to his own heart, to his own memories, being unable to know what he once loved and what once made him happy. He lost the key and now he was stuck with a lock that was starting to get rusty with the days passing. Chan once used to be a sensation to him, now he was nothing more than a gust of wind, leaving him shivering on cold days and yearning on warm ones. </p><p>His nights continued like that, calling the older and ranting on his mailbox. Over time, the messages got more and more personal, Felix stopped lying, he was starting to use Chan’s mailbox as some sort of diary, speaking about everything that came into his mind at the time, not caring about whether the older would be worried about him, it wasn’t like Chan was listening to his messages anyways. He could now say anything he wanted. In fact, Felix could probably call him every second of the day and he was almost completely sure Chan wouldn’t answer him. It hurts, knowing that the person you are trying to reach out to isn’t reaching back, isn’t even there. It hurts a bunch but Felix learned how to deal with it. </p><p>He came at ease with the fact that the older was most likely gone, he didn’t know what would have happened to Chan for him to not pick up his phone anymore, maybe he lost it or maybe he got a new one and forgot to text Felix but honestly, the younger stopped caring at some point. Maybe it was better that Chan wasn’t using this phone anymore. Felix just sounded way too pitiful for his own good and actually, he didn’t want Chan to hear any of this. He just hoped the messages somehow get deleted before Chan ever gets the chance to listen to them. He hoped Chan would never know and that the older was just continuing his life, not noticing that oceans away, his friend was going through his very own hell. Desperately waiting for Chan to answer his calls turned into wishing Chan would never hear any word of what he was saying. It wasn’t about Chan anymore, he barely ever asked the older how he was doing because Felix knew that there wouldn’t be an answer. Instead, he started to see the benefits in Chan not answering. He had a place where he could finally set his heart to a rest. He had a place for himself, a place where he felt like he could be completely himself. Chan’s mailbox slowly but surely became his safe place. </p><p>The seasons started changing and without even noticing, summer turned into autumn and when Felix checked the calendar for the first time in a while, he saw a red circled day. He looked at it with curious eyes, not even being able to remember what day seemed to be so important. It was the 15th september. It was his birthday today and he had forgotten about it. </p><p>It wasn’t like anyone reminded him of it too, no one here knew him or spoke to him enough to know his birthday and his phone continued to stay silent. There were a few messages from certain apps, where he had filled his birthday in but aside from that, there was nothing. There was not one single message from one of his friends but that was fine. Because if there was, he would be somewhat obligated to reply and he wasn’t sure if he could lie even more than he already did. However, he did end up sending a text to Jisung because he had forgotten that the man’s birthday was yesterday. It was nothing big, nothing filled with too many words, just a simple: “Happy belated birthday Jisungie!! I’m sorry it’s so late, hope you had lots of fun~”</p><p>His day went on without anything happening, he treated himself some good food for dinner before he returned to his room. It was about the small things. On his way back to the campus, he had decided to take a quick trip to the grocery store, getting himself a single muffin and a candle. He set the muffin on his desk and stuck the small candle inside it before lightening it up and sitting in front of it. Maybe it was too late to make a wish, his birthday was nearly over after all but he still wanted to take every possible chance. </p><p>“Happy Birthday Lixie” and when he blew the candle out and closed his eyes, trying to make a wish, there was a picture of Chan’s smile in his head and once again, he felt the last hug Chan had given him. <em> I hope at least you are okay. </em></p><p>From the corner of his eyes, he could see his phone lightening up and making a quiet sound. Felix had the device in his hands within seconds. <em>“It’s fine Lix, you must be busy. And hey, happy birthday to you today :D”</em></p><p>Felix wanted to answer, he wanted nothing more but to talk to Jisung again, ask him how life was, how Chan was. But exactly for that reason, he couldn’t. He couldn’t talk to Jisung or to any of the others because he would just feel pathetic once again. In the last months he hadn’t texted any of them and now talking to them only because it was his birthday? He felt selfish. No, Felix wasn’t going to do it. Especially because he knew damn well that the urge to ask for Chan would be too big, he would end up caving in, asking numerous questions about the older and Felix didn’t want to, he couldn’t be so dependent on the older. So somehow, ignoring his friends even further and giving them more and more reasons to hate him and move on from him seemed to be the best possible option in his eyes. </p><p>Which was why Felix shut his phone off completely for the night, leaving him to eat his birthday muffin in peace while the thoughts wouldn’t stop running through his head. If only he could go home, if only he could just drop out and fly back to Korea but he knew he would only disappoint his parents by doing so, he would give up everything he had worked hard for and that was something he didn’t want to do. Above that, he was extremely scared of returning and realizing that no one would care, that everyone was better off without him because it just felt like they were. They didn’t need him, he wondered if they ever did. He was sure they were doing fine without him and knowing that hurt the most because while they were happy, while they had each other, he was here and had no one. He was here, celebrating his birthday by sitting at his desk and eating his single muffin all alone in the darkness of his room. Felix needed someone, anyone. He needed to get out of his slumb. He needed things to change.</p><p>And he did try to change them. In the next few days he went outside more often, only coming back to his dorm at night. He surrounded himself with people and maybe at first he didn’t talk to any of them but at least he had people around him. Days passed and at some point he got the courage to approach someone, it was a girl who always used to sit at the very back of two of his classes, Felix had never talked to her before that day. Being honest, he wouldn’t have approached her if he simply saw her in class but when he found her wallet in a coffee shop one day - she seemed to have been in a haste as she left so abruptly - he thought maybe that was a sign.  It really was because when Felix saw her in class the next time, the two of them started talking and soon enough, she sat herself next to Felix. Rose was nice, she was easy to talk to and she was patient. Whenever Felix asked her what their teacher had just said and if she could share her notes with him, she was willing to do so. Felix tried his best to not let himself look as miserable as he was willing when he was around her but even then, she seemed to know that the boy wasn’t in the best state. She never talked to him about it, never made any weird comments when Felix felt like everything was getting a bit too much and left her without a real excuse. Rose never asked, she never made any comments. At first Felix thought she would leave him soon, thinking he was weird and pathetic but whenever she still sat herself beside him in class the next day, no comment leaving her lips and instead, she just gave a small smile to the boy, Felix felt comfortable. </p><p>Still, he wasn’t happy because happiness didn’t come from smiling at a new made friend or finally talking to someone again. Happiness wasn’t as easy as that, even if Felix tried to force it onto himself. He still wasn’t okay, no matter how often his new friend smiled at him and how his grades seemed to get a little better now. His mind still wouldn’t leave him alone. He still spent his nights awake, wondering what he was doing and how could he change more. Change wasn’t going to work within moments and just because he had gotten the courage to actually talk to people, it didn’t mean that he was somewhat of a social butterfly now. His thoughts still haunted him on bright sunny days where he was smiling, the itching feeling on his skin still stayed when he laughed at a joke and the shadows were still present even if his room was filled with light. Even if he was smiling now, he still found himself calling Chan at night. Just because he was doing a little better, it didn’t mean that he was alright, that he was happy. Happiness took time and the clock was moving in turtle steps. </p><p>The month of september passed him so quickly, Felix was surprised when he woke up one day and found out that it was already October 2nd. </p><p>His teachers had been more annoying recently, even though it was actually his fault that they wouldn’t leave him alone, they were constantly telling him about how he failed his exams and that he would need to do better in the next one if he still planned on being here next year and actually, he wasn’t so sure about that. Because he knew he couldn’t simply go back home but as he thought about the years he still had to spend here, fear rose inside of him. What if it would never get better? What if his life would only continue like this and what if he would stay lonely in the next years as well? What if it would get even worse with the months passing? Felix was scared, he wanted to get out, he wanted nothing more than to pack his things and leave and somehow, as the night went on and it grew darker outside, he sat in front of his laptop, hands lingering on his mouse, with just one click he would have had the chance to leave. He had been looking at cheap plane tickets all afternoon, checking for the fastest and cheapest way back and he even found some pretty good options. </p><p>The clock struck 12 and his hands were still hovering over the keyboard. The third of October. Felix gasped silently, it was Chan’s birthday. The plane tickets were forgotten within an instant as he got a hold of his phone. He needed to wish the older a happy birthday. But even today, even on his own birthday, Chan wasn’t answering. </p><p>“Hey this is Bang Chan and if you hear this, I’m not able to answer right now. Leave a message.”</p><p>Felix sighed, his mind was laughing at him for hoping that today would be any different from the past two months. Of course it wasn’t. </p><p>“Happy Birthday Channie, it’s not your birthday just yet in Korea but here it already is and I wanted to be the first one to congratulate you. Well, I’m not sure if you even listen to my messages but it’s the thought that counts, right? Uhm...anyways, I hope you have a great day ahead, I wish I could have baked a cake for you. You always told me that this is your biggest wish: for me to bake you a cake on your birthday. Sadly, I cannot make your wish come true but I sincerely hope that all your other wishes will come true soon. Have a nice birthday Channie, I love you.” </p><p>As he placed his phone down again, eyes staying on the black display for a second longer, Lee Felix made a decision.</p><p>He would go home. </p><p>He didn’t care if he had achieved absolutely nothing in his time here and he didn’t even care about what everyone would say and think. He didn’t even think about Rose who he would leave. He didn’t think about anyone but himself. For the first time in a long time, Felix cared about himself before he cared about others. And he couldn’t wait to board a plane and go back home, go back to Chan. </p><p>October 10th was the earliest flight he was able to book which left him with seven more days in this hellhole. And even if he knew that going back home so suddenly would cause a lot of ruckus and most likely complaints from his college, he wasn’t going to care about that today. That day, he went to sleep, his heart felt the lightest it had ever since he was here and his sleep wasn’t haunted by unknown shadows and neverending howls. Felix felt a bit better, not okay and by far not good but better and in that moment, better was more than enough for him. </p><p>The next few days went by in a blur, Felix was busy talking to his teachers and explaining his sudden decision, keeping the real reason behind his departure a secret and instead settling for “family issues”.  His teachers asked him if he was completely sure about doing this and in that moment, maybe he should have hesitated but he didn’t. As bad as it sounds, he couldn’t wait to leave all of this behind. He also spent a lot of time with Rose, informing her about his departure. He was surprised when she said that she would miss him, the words feeling foreign to him but still, he promised to keep in contact and he also made that promise to himself.  Going back would be different this time. He wasn’t going to go back home only to continue living like he was right now. Going back home would mean, he would try his best to heal. Back in his room, he already started packing some things that he wouldn’t need in the next few days. It was currently the early morning of the 8th October and Felix was laying on his bed, staring at all the packed boxes in front of him and somehow, it felt good. Somehow the packed boxes and empty shelves made him feel more at ease with his surroundings than anything ever did before in all the time he had spent here. Somehow, seeing his packed things gave him hope. Hope that things soon will be better than they were right now. </p><p>Felix couldn’t believe it when he woke up on the 9th. This was the last day he had to spend here, the last day before he could go back. However, now that he was so close to going home, all of his doubts and fears kept haunting him. He tried his best to not think of anything bad in the last few days, only focussing on how much happier he would be once he was able to leave Australia but yet, he couldn’t avoid it, couldn’t avoid his mind to think of all the things that might happen once he came back. His head was brimming with scenarios that he’d love to avoid but they kept creeping inside his mind, making him believe that what he was thinking could potentially be true. </p><p>Maybe his family would hate him once he returned without having said a single word to them first, dropping out of college just like that and without an actual reason. Maybe they would kick him out of the house, tell him that he was worthless because he couldn’t even stay in school for one year without getting homesick. Maybe his friends would treat him like a stranger once he was back, being happy when he finally left them. Maybe they would be disappointed and laugh at him because, even if there were more people in his friend group who weren’t going to college, he was the only one failing. Maybe they would call him a loser and tell him to get lost. Maybe he would lose all the people around him because being honest, was going back home really going to fix everything? Maybe that was just something he tried to tell himself, a made up excuse to leave this place behind because maybe, in the end, Felix was nothing more than a pathetic loser. The feeling of uneasiness and apprehension only got worse throughout the day, it felt like his fears were itching on his skin like a tattoo he got out of a mistake, he regretted it but he couldn’t help it, he couldn’t get rid of it. He barely concentrated on his classes, drowning out the voices of his teachers and fellow students. His head was getting too loud, louder than any other sound in front of him, leading him to run into the restrooms once lunchtime rolled around. The pain was unbearable, the voices in his head kept chanting how he wasn’t worth it, how no one would care about his return. Felix couldn’t help but listen to them, no matter how hard he tried his best not to, he still fell down the rabbithole, his thoughts consuming him, chaining him up. He couldn’t get out, couldn’t escape. He was trapped inside his own mind, forced to listen to the threathful voices living inside of it. When he heard the chatter of two other people, he was glad that he locked himself up in one of the stalls, not wanting to catch any attention, not wanting people to know how much of a freak he really was. Because that was what it all came down to: Felix was a freak, too weak to even survive a year without his friends and his family. He was weak. </p><p>Night rolled around, voices turned into silence and the sun got exchanged by numerous little streetlights, only bright enough to light up a small bit. Back in his room everything just got worse. Now he was alone, there was no one there to see him, hear him and even if people would hear him, no one would bother enough to check up on him. Nobody knew him here, so why would anyone care? His skin kept itching, kept hurting and he wanted to rip himself apart, he wanted it all to stop. He knew his mind was playing him, causing him all this imaginary pain with the purpose of destroying him even more, ripping him apart until there was nothing left other than emptiness, until he was nothing more than just a body. A body without any traces of a soul inside it. </p><p>He couldn’t survive one second longer in this mind of his, couldn’t bear the thoughts anymore and there was only one distraction in mind. Chan. </p><p>With trembling fingers, Felix searched for his phone in the darkness of his room. He had spent the past hours just sitting on his bed in the dark, letting every single shadow around him absorb him, feeding himself to the darkness as the tears silently ran down his face. He needed Chan’s voice now more than ever, no matter what it said, he needed to hear someone’s voice, someone who was human. </p><p>So, as soon as the familiar “Hey this is Bang Chan and if you hear this, I’m not able to answer right now. Leave a message.” sounded, he felt his heart opening up a bit again, loosing up from the tightness of the past couple of hours. It took him a moment before he was able to speak, his voice too weak from all the crying.</p><p>“Channie, how are you? I hope you are well, I really hope you are. You know, in the past two months I have used your mailbox as some kind of diary and I just want to tell you that this will stop from tomorrow on-” He took a deep breath before he continued, somehow scared to let the words roll from his tongue. “I’m coming home Channie.” He tried to chuckle, he really did but all that came out of his mouth was just a pathetic bit of air. He couldn’t even pretend anymore. “I can’t do this anymore Chan. I really can’t, I just want to go back, I just want to go home, I just want to be with you. And I finally can, I can go home but tell me, why does it feel like I don’t deserve it? Why does it feel like I deserve to stay here, to cry every night and reach out to someone who is long gone, who has long forgotten about me. You are probably doing fine without me and I wish I could say the same but Channie, there is something I never told you and maybe I should have, maybe you would have asked me to stay if I had told you. I...Back then, at the airport, when you hugged me goodbye and told me you loved me, I wish you hadn’t meant it. I wish you hadn’t meant it the way you did, I wish you had meant it differently. I’m not saying that I love you-” <em> except I do, I’m sure now, more than ever, that I love you Channie. </em> </p><p>“I just...I have felt this way for you for a while now and I guess I just wanted to tell you before I come back even if you probably aren’t listening because being honest, you don’t care and I can’t blame you. It was stupid of me to think that there ever was something. That an ‘us’ ever existed because it never did and maybe it will never exist and that is fine, maybe not right now but someday, at some point, it will be fine. I will be fine again too. I know it doesn’t look like it and I don’t even believe it because how can a flower ever return to how it initially was after it had been left unwatered for months? People can take a lot, they can endure a whole lot of things but at some point, everything always comes to an end, huh? All I can do is hope that this isn’t mine. I’m sorry for rambling...I would normally say Goodbye now but how about a see you later? I think that is more fitting because I do hope to see you again. You are the one thing that keeps me going and I hope that there is still a little part of you that can welcome me once I’m back. I hope that when I’m back, we could get ice cream again because right now, I really need ice cream at 3am. See you later Channie.” </p><p>Laying in bed that night, falling asleep seemed harder than it ever did because there was a new thought making its way into his head, something he had been trying to avoid but he knew he couldn’t, he never could avoid things like that. Lies may be easy to tell but at the end of the day, your mind always knows the truth.</p><p>It was 1:43am, his calls were unanswered and as he drifted off to sleep there was only one thought in his head: He was in love with someone who had become more of a distraction than a friend. He had found his safe place in someone, something that didn’t care about him. It was 1:43am when Felix realized he was in love with a shadow and that was as much magnificent as it was agonizing.  </p><p> </p>
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</p><p>Fairly speaking, without trying to blame anyone, it had all been Changbins fault. There was no one who could tell Chan that it wasn’t, seriously. Okay maybe it was his fault for being stupid because he should have known that this wasn’t going to be a good idea, Chan should have known. So, to correct himself, it was partly Changbins fault. It all started with a silly bet back at the start of August. Chan had been sulking for days and it wasn’t good, it definitely wasn’t. He didn’t pay attention in class because he was too busy staring at his phone under the table. He forgot to eat at some point or on other days ate way too much because he needed a distraction. Whenever there were people around him, he ignored them because his black display seemed to be far more interesting.His friends couldn’t bear it anymore, seeing how the man was wasting his days with something that could be fixed within seconds.</p><p>Chan knew he should call him, no one needed to tell him that. He knew he should and he wanted to, he really did but there was just something stopping him whenever he looked at the screen. Felix had texted, he texts everyday but it isn’t as cheerful as it used to be. Felix loved emojis, he loved overusing exclamation marks and never caring about commas. Felix was the type of person who would include as many “uwu”s and “&lt;3” in a sentence as possible. Yet, the messages Chan received after Felix was gone were different, they were plain and simple, short and written without any happiness as it seems. His friends called him stupid for overthinking the way Felix was typing, the way he structured his sentences but Chan couldn’t help it, overanalyzing each and every word the younger sent him. Somehow, his worry became too much to deal with which is why Changbin came up with an idea, a stupid one to say the least. He challenged Chan to go without his phone for fourteen complete days, not making any calls, not sending any texts and most importantly, not staring at it for hours wondering if he should text his crush. </p><p>Crush. That felt weird to say and Chan even doubted that it was the right word to describe Felix. He knew the younger was more than just a simple friend because whenever he looked at him, he felt different than when he was around Changbin or Jeongin or whoever. At first he thought it was because he saw himself in the younger, just a small kid from Australia with so much left to experience and see. At first, Chan thought he just wanted to protect Felix, keeping him safe from all the problems of the world just like a very protective friend but that wasn’t it. That wasn’t what this was. Everyone around him already knew that, telling him how cute he and Felix were together. Chan was always late to everything but even when it came to his own feelings? That was new. Yet he couldn’t deny what everyone was saying because at the end of the day, Felix did make his heart beat faster than anyone ever did before and somewhere along the way of denying his feelings and sitting in front of his phone, waiting for a call, Chan realized that he indeed was in love with his friend. </p><p>Long story short, Chan was stupid enough to accept the bet, giving his phone to Changbin and being left with a life to fix. It was probably for the better because Felix was busy enough and no one was benefiting from Chan just staring at his phone for hours and hours. Felix would probably reach out to someone else when he realized Chan wasn’t there, the older was sure of that. Little did he know that this was completely false and while he thought Felix was just awfully busy, the younger was actually going through his own little hell. </p><p>Two weeks of not having a phone somehow turned into four because Changbin was suddenly on a trip without having told him beforehand and his phone was therefore stuck in Changbins apartment until he would return. In those weeks, the question “Has Felix messaged any of you” probably left his lips like a thousand times. But he never did, Felix never messaged any of them and at that, Chan started to get worried because he knew just how bubbly his friend was, how much he loved to talk to people. Not talking to anyone was highly uncommon for the younger but when Chan checked the website of Felix university, wanting to know if anything happened, he saw that his grade was currently heading towards exam season. Chan sighed, Felix was probably just busy. It was his first year in college after all and the older remembered the weeks before Felix left, how he promised Chan over and over again that once he was back, he would be a top student. Chan always believed in Felix. He didn’t even need to be a top student to impress him. </p><p>It was already September when Changbin came back from his trip and Chan was at his apartment at 1 in the morning because he needed his phone back immediately. However, the next problem approached as Chan hurried into the flat right behind his friend. Over the last four weeks, the phone ran out of battery so he couldn’t use it until he was back at home but that was where the problem came in. Chan was messy, extremely messy. His friends always used to tell him that he should clean his living space from time to time. Felix did too even if Chan knew that the younger didn’t really mind the mess. Chan was fine with his mess, he found everything perfectly, believe it or not. That day however, he had not the slightest clue where he had placed his charger. He must have moved it around a dozen times over the last months since he had no use for it in the first place. He spent his whole night searching every little corner of his room but he just couldn’t find it. When morning arose, he finally recalled where he left his charger. It was at Hyunjins because the younger one had needed it and since Chan wasn’t using it at that time anyways, he ended up giving it to him. The man was quick to wash up and get ready. He must look like a phone addict with the way he was acting but actually, he was just hopelessly in love with someone who was oceans away from him. His phone was the only option to reach out to Felix. He needed it. </p><p>Which was why he drove to Hyunjins apartment almost immediately, knocking on his door without even knowing if the man was at home. But luck seemed to be on his side again as a sleepy voice greeted him in confusion. Well, it was only 8am on a Saturday who could blame Hyunjin for looking a mess. Chan wasted no time in storming into the younger’s apartment and letting his eyes roam around, looking for his charger everywhere where he could look. </p><p>“Are you here for your charger? Hold on a second” with that, Hyunjin was gone for a second before he came back with the thing in his hands. Chan could have probably hugged him out of joy that moment but he held himself back. Right before the older was about to leave the apartment again, he could hear Hyunjin screaming after him. “Greet him from me.” Chan smiled. He would be able to talk to Felix again soon. Finally. He reached home within minutes but now he was met with the next problem: waiting for his phone to charge. He sighed as he plugged the device in and decided to prepare himself some breakfast in the meantime. As soon as breakfast was done, he went to check his phone. It should be charged enough now, which is why he finally turned it on, not being able to wait any longer until he got the chance to talk to Felix again. </p><p>His phone was on, the wifi connected and Chan waited, he waited for a second, he waited for any possible new messages or any missed calls that would catch his attention. But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Normally Chan would be fine with that, he was never someone to receive a lot of calls or messages, all the people around him could simply go to his house and reach out to him this way. He wasn’t surprised that there wasn’t a single message from any of his friends but he still felt uneasy at the lack of notifications. Felix hadn’t called, hadn’t messaged. A whole month had passed and there was nothing, not a trace of the younger having tried to reach him. He was busy, Chan told himself. College must be hard, he had exams and assignments. Felix was busy. Chan wanted to call him at first, asking if everything is alright but then he checked the time. The younger one was probably busy with classes. He wouldn’t want to disturb him. So Chan placed his phone down again, he would call him tonight. </p><p>The whole day Chan felt uneasy, he couldn’t really function nor was he able to concentrate even for the slightest bit. He checked his phone like a million times, making sure that he really hadn’t missed any message or call. Maybe his phone just failed to notify him about it, maybe it was acting up again. It had been acting up quite a few times due to the fact that Chan's phone wasn’t really the newest one. He had been having for over five years now and in that moment, it showed. Still, his phone seemed to be alright. Whatever app he was checking and no matter how many times he restarted his phone, updating every single app on it, there was nothing. Felix really hadn’t reached out. <em> He was just busy. </em>When night rolled around, Chan was staring at his phone. He had managed to somehow get some stuff done today even if it wasn’t a lot, it was still okay. Now he was here, sitting on his bed, eyes fixated on his phone screen. Felix's name right in front of him and with only one tap, he would be able to talk to him again. Hopefully. </p><p>So Chan did. He tapped the small green symbol and proceeded to hold his phone closer to his ear. However, only a few seconds after doing so, he realized that something wasn’t right. There was no sound at all, no voice and no sound that indicated that he was waiting for someone to pick up. There wasn’t even a mailbox. The man quickly looked at his screen again, checking if he really called Felix and yes, he did. So why wouldn’t it work? He tried a few more times, even tried calling other people but he was met with the exact same problem. Could it be that his phone wasn’t really working anymore? He also tried sending messages to Changbin but that didn’t work either. Something was definitely wrong. Chan sighed in annoyance, guess there goes another night without being able to talk to his friend. </p><p>The next morning, he immediately went to search for a place where he could get his device checked. But even then, he was met with problems because as it seems, all the stores he had found weren’t opening until lunch time which left him to stroll through the city aimlessly. He was wondering if the universe was against him at that very moment because how come everything doesn’t seem to be working when he desperately needed it to? All he wanted was to talk to Felix again, to know how the younger was doing, to tell him how much he cares for him. Chan wanted his Felix back. His Felix. The words felt odd even if they were just running through his mind. Felix wasn’t his, he was nothing more than just a close friend. Chan did not really know how the younger felt towards him, if there maybe was a chance that he might like him back. Maybe in some universe there was, maybe in a universe where Chan's phone was working and he wasn’t a complete idiot. That must be a wonderful universe, a much better, much lovelier universe. </p><p>Finally. He found an open shop. Chan was quick at greeting the man behind the desk and explaining the problem to him. The man then went ahead to tell him that checking the phone could probably take around an hour or two since Chan didn’t make an appointment before. He could do nothing else but to accept it and as hard as it may sound, Chan had to wait again. But it wasn’t the worst thing on earth especially when he reminds himself of why he was doing all this. For Felix. For Felix he would always wait, no matter how long it would take. Chan had made promises and he wasn’t going to break them, he was always going to be Felix's safe haven, the same way the boy was his. Nearly two hours had passed and Chan went back into the shop, asking if his phone was already repaired. However, he was really convinced that he must have done something to upset the universe when the employee just looked at him and said: “It is repaired but it may take up until a month  until it can fully work again. Missing messages and calls should come back over time, I unfortunately cannot tell how long it will take to get everything back, depending on how much is lost. This is all I can do right now, I’m sorry. Maybe it would be best to get a new phone as well.” </p><p>October 1st, that was when it happened. Chan had been getting awfully busy the past weeks, all of a sudden he remembered that he had exams to study for, lots of exams. There wasn’t a single week without one, not a single day where he could rest. He was tired most nights, plopping down on his bed and sleeping immediately. It was insane how fast he was able to sleep in this time and how long too. The weekends passed by in a blur, all he could remember was sleeping and studying. He didn’t know how much he was sleeping but he knew it felt good, felt relieving. He didn’t really have the chance to get a new phone and he didn’t even congratulate Felix on his birthday. He kept feeling guilty about that for the next two weeks after, even if Jisung told him over and over again that Felix had replied to him, he seemed to be alright, he seemed to be fine and Chan should not worry but Chan did worry and turns out, he had every right to. October 1st, that was the day the first messages and missed calls recovered, at least from the people that mattered to him. He had received a few messages the week before but they weren’t important, most of those messages were just his friends texting him and then remembering he didn’t have a phone. However, when his phone made a sound at almost 11pm (Chan was already ready to fall asleep again and wake up at 3 to 4pm tomorrow) he still found himself jumping up, jolting awake within a second as he saw the name on the screen. </p><p>
  <em> Two missed calls from Felix. A voicemail too.  </em>
</p><p>Chan sighed, <em> finally. </em>His chest was feeling lighter within seconds but there was also something else, something that told him that Felix tried to call him but Chan wasn’t there. Chan wasn’t there for him. The first message seemed fine, Felix seemed fine on it. Chan smiled, happy to know that the younger was doing alright, that he was still there because in the past weeks there were numerous different things running through Chan’s head, making their way into his sleep and waking him with sweat dripping down his forehead, tears already in the corner of his eyes. It was horrible, the things his mind tried to make him think of, the things that could potentially have happened to Felix, it was horrible. Chan tried his best to fall asleep after that and after taking a dozen turns, it worked. One dream and it was over, at least for that night until the same dreams, sometimes even worse dreams, came back, every single night. He couldn’t deal with it, couldn’t deal with the uncertainty of not knowing what happened in the months he missed. It had been two months, more than that even, so many things could have happened and Chan was never there, he wasn’t there at any point in the last two months. He was a horrible friend. Chan broke his promises, all of them. </p><p>Then the next voicemail came and the next one, and the one after that one. They kept coming slowly but surely and Chan didn’t hesitate to listen to each one of them. Felix seemed fine in almost all of them, he never said much but when he did say something, it was the fact that he was alright. Maybe Chan was geniuely stupid or just pressured himself into thinking that the younger was truly alright. Being honest, with every coming voicemail, he stopped recognizing the voice at the other end of the phone. At the start, Felix still seemed cheerful, at least he tried his best to sound like that but with every passing message, that cheerfulness in his tone drowned. Chan wasn’t sure if that was the Felix he knew, the Felix who was always full of joy and excitement, the Felix who couldn’t wait to go to college. And then, the next voicemail came in. </p><p>
  <em>“(...) I haven’t been alright for a while and I just...I wanna go back home, I wanna go back home to you. (...)” </em>
</p><p>Chan shuddered at that, Felix was not alright, he was not doing well and Chan only knew about it now, only two months later. Felix has not been alright for all this time and Chan never knew and it was his own fault. It wasn’t Changbins or his phone’s. It was his fault, completely his fault. Because he was the one who had agreed to the bet, he was the one who kept on telling himself that Felix was alright, that he was fine and just busy with exams and college and whatever. Chan kept telling himself all these lies just to make himself feel better when really, his biggest fear was coming truer and truer with every day passing. Felix wasn’t well. Felix needed him and Chan was not there for him. It was all his fault.</p><p>Realizing this, the man had the urge to throw his phone against the wall, he couldn’t bear continuing to listen to whatever else Felix had to go through while he was here, only worrying about work and his friends stealing his food. All the problems he had in the past moments, they seemed like nothing now, nothing that really mattered. Because at least Chan was here, in a country with all his friends, in a country where he was comfortable. Chan was in a good place and even if there were complications and hard times, it wasn’t the worst life, at least he was not alone. Meanwhile, he was the one who left Felix alone, who encouraged him to go and study in Sydney. Chan was the one who didn’t hold Felix closer when the younger was at the airport, he was the one who didn’t stop Felix from leaving when he should have.</p><p>If only Chan had told Felix to stay. If only Chan had listened to his heart and not his head, maybe then Felix would be here right now, in his arms and not oceans away, talking to a person that never answered him, talking to a ghost. </p><p>If only Chan had told Felix to stay. </p><p>He knew blaming himself was not the answer and Felix definitely wouldn’t want that. Chan had his reasons, as stupid as they might seem, he still had them and even if no one but him understand them, they were still valid. One’s thoughts, feelings and emotions do not require agreement to make them valid, they do not require the opinion of others because others don’t know anything, they often don’t even understand anything. Chan had been in pain too these last months, he had suffered too and to now blame himself for not calling Felix earlier, it wouldn’t be of any use. He shouldn’t hang on to the past for too long if the present is what he needs to consider, if the present is what he can still change. </p><p>The following days, Chan was almost immediately on his phone whenever he saw a new voicemail. He was never doing anything else, always just waiting for a new message to pop up on his screen. It was times like this where he understood why Changbin took away his phone in the first place. He had never been really addicted, had never really used his phone a lot but now that it was about Felix, he couldn’t get his hands off the device. Chan looked at the date of the next voicemail. There hasn’t been one for a while after the last one he had listened to, the one where Felix started to tell him the truth about things. Chan was happy he didn’t stop there, he was happy the younger continued sending him those messages because right now, that was the only way he was able to talk to Felix.The older one’s heart sank whenever Felix mentioned the memories between them, recalled certain situations that had happened at some point because Chan remembered all of them, how could he not? Whenever he was with Felix, he was happy. No matter what they did when they were together, Chan considered every memory with Felix his favorite. At least all of them except for the day Felix had to leave. The messages were shorter than before, some were only one sentence long but even this one sentence was enough to break Chan’s heart into pieces, realizing with every passing message how much Felix was truly suffering. </p><p>Days passed and Chan received a certain message, one that was completely different from everything Felix had said to him in the ones before. His tone was different, enraged. </p><p>
  <em> “Am I really that unlovable Channie? I mean, I must be, right? Because why else wouldn’t you answer? Why else would you let me leave all of these messages and never even show up, not once. It has been a month Chan and still, there is no text, nothing from you. Did I ever matter to you? Was I ever important? Or maybe I was just a burden, maybe every time you smiled at me it was fake and you never meant it, maybe you are happy that I am gone or maybe, you just found someone better, I don’t blame you if you did.” </em>
</p><p>Chan held his breath. Felix was angry with him, he was sobbing while shouting into the microphone of his phone. Felix blamed himself as the reason why Chan wasn’t answered. Oh how much he would love to shout back with every line that left the younger’s lips. Oh how much he wished to be able to tell Felix that this was not his fault, that it was only because of Chan’s stupid mind that tried to convince him that this, all of this, was a good idea. Oh how much he wanted to be with Felix when he heard that, tell him that he was everything but a burden, that Felix was the reason for Chan’s happiness, that Felix was his everything. Chan wanted to scream, he really did because Felix thought about horrible things, told himself horrible things and he had not been able to change that, convince him otherwise and assure him that he was important to Chan, that he mattered. </p><p><em> “Why do you never answer, why do you never text, why did you hug me so tightly the day I left when really, I don’t seem to be of any importance to you?” </em> But he was important to him, so fucking important it made Chan’s heart ache. Felix probably was the most important person in his life, he didn’t care about anyone as much as he cared about Felix. </p><p><em> “Because, while this promise may only be a few simple words to you, I held on to it, I still do.” </em>He couldn’t help it, the tears came fast as they ran down his cheeks while listening to the broken tone in Felix's voice. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I wasn’t there, I’m sorry I made you feel this way, I’m sorry” he repeated over and over again but it didn’t help, it didn’t make him feel better, no matter how many times he repeated those words to himself.  </p><p><em> “I thought I saw you today, you know? I have never felt more stupid as I ran after a complete stranger, thinking that you were actually here, searching for me because you wouldn’t do that right? You wouldn’t.” </em> No. Chan would have done that. He wished he had done that. Oh how desperately he wished he would have done that. There were countless nights where Chan was going from website to website, checking for a flight to Sydney. There were countless times where he wanted to go, wanted to look for Felix but he didn’t. He wouldn’t let himself. Maybe that was a mistake. </p><p><em> “You once said you will never leave me behind, then tell me Channie, why did you let me go? Why didn’t you tell me to stay because for you, I would have stayed.”  </em>Chan let the phone slip out of his hands, instead using them to cover his face, trying to wipe away the tears that wouldn’t stop coming. For once in his life, he was glad he lived alone because that night, his sobs were louder than they ever were before, asking himself all those questions that Felix had asked him too. <em> Why did he let him go? </em></p><p>The next messages were shorter again, calmer. Chan still couldn’t stop thinking about the way Felix's voice sounded when he said all of these things, the way he sounded so hurt and broken. It pained him that Felix was having such thoughts, all by himself, without anyone by his side. It pained him to know that he was part of why Felix was not well. It pained him to listen to all of these other voice messages and see how the younger couldn’t stop himself from talking to Chan each day, from calling him each and every day, how Felix depended on him when he was nowhere to be found. </p><p>Chan missed Felix and because of that, he was suffering.</p><p>Felix missed Chan and because of that, he was suffering.</p><p>They were both oceans apart, thinking of no one else but each other and while Chan chose to stay silent, Felix chose to talk. While Felix chose to stay awake, Chan chose to sleep. Coping and dealing with emotions was different for everyone, you cannot compare one with another. Felix and Chan were oceans apart, loving and longing for the one on the other end of the line. </p><p>The next message was sent on his birthday and when he compared the times, he realized that Felix must have stayed awake for him because the message was sent exactly one minute after 12 in australian time. A smile made its way onto Chan’s face at that. He hadn’t really heard from Felix that day but to now find out that Felix was in fact there, that he did think of him, that warmed his heart. Felix was the first one to wish him a happy birthday and even if Chan only got to know about it now, it still made him feel warm. </p><p><em>"Have a nice birthday Channie, I love you.”  </em>It was not the first time Felix had said those words to him, they have been friends for ages after all and Felix had always been very open with expressing his love through hugs or words of comfort. But this was different. Maybe it was the fact that Chan hadn’t heard him say it in a while, maybe it was because it was only over the phone or maybe it was because he just calmed down from crying about Felix but something about how the words sounded in that certain message was different.<em> Maybe because this was the first time Felix had meant it in another context. </em>The messages after that one also sounded different, rushed nearly. There was something off about the way Felix talked, he always seemed to have more to say but his words were always cut short by no other than himself. It was weird seriously. </p><p>But then he got the voice message of the 9th october. </p><p>
  <em>“I’m coming home Channie.” </em>
</p><p>In all these past months of uncertainty, all these months of not knowing how Felix was feeling, where he was at and how he was handling things, Chan had never once felt like this. In all the days he had been listening to Felix’s unanswered messages, listening as the boy lost hope with each passing day, feeling his heart drop with every single day, Chan had never felt so...alive. All these months that he had spent wondering about the one who makes his cheeks glow, the one who makes him question every single skip of his heart, the one who he considered<em> his home. </em>All these months Chan had spent wondering about Felix and all these past days he had spent with constant worrying, constant fear of the way these messages might turn out but hearing these four words leave Felix lips, Chan finally felt alive again. </p><p><em>“I can’t do this anymore Chan. I really can’t, I just want to go back, I just want to go home, I just want to be with you. And I finally can, I can go home but tell me, why does it feel like I don’t deserve it? Why does it feel like I deserve to stay here, to cry every night and reach out to someone who is long gone, who has long forgotten about me.” </em> But Chan has never forgotten about him, there was never once a day that went by without Chan thinking of Felix, without Chan wishing he could turn back time. Chan never forgot about him, he never could. </p><p>
  <em>"You are probably doing fine without me and I wish I could say the same but Channie, there is something I never told you and maybe I should have, maybe you would have asked me to stay if I had told you. I...Back then, at the airport, when you hugged me goodbye and told me you loved me, I wish you hadn’t meant it. I wish you hadn’t meant it the way you did, I wish you had meant it differently. I’m not saying that I love you. I just...I have felt this way for you for a while now and I guess I just wanted to tell you before I come back even if you probably aren’t listening because being honest, you don’t care and I can’t blame you.”  </em>
</p><p>Chan wished he could make Felix shut up, he wished he could be there and cover his mouth, telling him that this was everything but true. Chan wished he could see Felix right now, ask him if what he was saying was what Chan was thinking. All this time, his feelings were never unrequited. All this time, Chan was not the only one who had wished for things to change between them. All this time, Felix had liked him too. His Felix, his home, the one he yearned for yearned for him too. </p><p><em>“I know it doesn’t look like it and I don’t even believe it because how can a flower ever return to how it initially was after it had been left unwatered for months? People can take a lot, they can endure a whole lot of things but at some point, everything always comes to an end, huh? All I can do is hope that this isn’t mine.” </em> This couldn’t be the end, not Felix nor Chans. This was not the end of their story, each of their stories. Stories are not meant to end in pain and misery. Stories are meant to move your heart, to make it beat stronger than ever before. Stories were meant to be good, even if they had their sad parts, they were meant to be good and Chan was convinced that his and Felix’s will be too. He had faith in that, he had faith in Felix. </p><p><em>“You are the one thing that keeps me going and I hope that there is still a little part of you that can welcome me once I’m back. I hope that when I’m back, we could get ice cream again because right now, I really need ice cream at 3am. See you later Channie.”  </em>Chan smiled, he too needed ice cream right now. However, as he was about to check for another message, the doorbell rang. Chan got up with a sigh, who was at this door this late at night? </p><p>It was 1:43am when Chan opened the door. The cold breeze of the night hitting him right in the face, making him shiver under his clothes but he couldn’t care less about the cold right now. It was 1:43am when Chan felt his heart beating again as he looked at the one standing in front of his door, the one he had least expected to see here. It was the 11th of october, 1:43am and Felix had taken the first taxi he found, knowing exactly where to go after he had just landed. </p><p>It was 1:43am when Felix’s eyes met Chan’s, not caring that his calls had been unanswered because as soon as he felt the older’s arms around him, holding him tighter than he had ever been held before, Felix knew... <em> he was home. </em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>uhm...if you have made it this far; hey I hope you are doing alright, thank you for reading this and I hope you somewhat liked it. </p><p>I know that sometimes the way our mind makes us think can get the best of us and that sometimes, we lose ourselves, feeling trapped in our own thoughts but I hope you are holding in there, you have made it this far, haven't you? In case no one has told you today, I'm proud of you, even if you did nothing but exist. That's still enough &lt;3</p><p> </p><p>p.s: please don't put the blame on anyone in this fic, everyone is fighting their very own battle and tries their best to keep their head up as much as possible. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't and as for the latter, you cannot control the way you react to your own feelings. everyone handles situation differently. please be kind.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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